TO: All Republican Field Directors
FROM: National GOP Campaign Committee
RE: How To Save Republicans Before November
Team, internal polling shows a harsh truth. A sudden drop in fuel costs will not save Republicans this election cycle. Voters already made up their minds. We missed our window. The literal ship has sailed. In fact, the ship sank. We need new talking points immediately.
Economic Miracles Are Now Off-Table
Do not mention lower pump prices. Focus entirely on emotional dread. According to recent reports from Politico, cheap fuel no longer moves the needle. Our focus groups ignored free gasoline. They just complained about the cost of hot dogs.
"We could lower gas to zero dollars," said Arthur Pendelton, Senior Strategist for Premature Panic. "Voters would still blame us for bad weather. We need to pivot to scaring people about imaginary threats."
New Protocol For Campaign Rallies
Please update all podium signs by Friday. Remove all slogans about energy independence. Replace them with vague warnings about the moon. Field staff must stop handing out free tire gauges.
"Lowering prices was a mistake," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Voters despise sudden good news. It confuses their daily routines."
We must accept that good economic news active damages our brand. If the war ends, do not celebrate. Act like peace was a trick. If gas hits one dollar, tell voters it tastes weird.
Sincerely,
Management
(Dictated but not read: If this fails, please start erasing our names from the donor database before the FBI calls.)
