WASHINGTON—A Senate subcommittee convened yesterday to investigate the transition of power at Berkshire Hathaway, focus-testing whether the newly appointed chairman can maintain the massive conglomerate. Transcripts obtained by reporters show how Howie Buffett defended the firm's strategic hoarding of carbonated beverages and sugary treats. The hearings quickly devolved into a bizarre debate over the literal preservation of his father's physical assets.
SENATOR WHITEHOUSE: Mr. Buffett, we are looking at your transition plan. You recently assumed control of the board. What is your primary directive?
MR. BUFFETT: My father built this country on Dairy Queen blizzards and See's Candies. My job as the guardian is simple. I must protect the strategic reserve of Cherry Coke. If the carbonation drops, Berkshire Hathaway collapses. I will defend that sugar.
SENATOR WHITEHOUSE: To be clear, you are not talking about stock shares? You are talking about physical cans of soda?
MR. BUFFETT: I am. We have four million cases buried under a cornfield in Nebraska. I personally guard them with a shotgun. It is what my father wanted. It is the bedrock of our value investing philosophy.
SENATOR WHITEHOUSE: Is it true you also purchased three thousand industrial humidifiers to keep his old cardigans fluffy?
MR. BUFFETT: Yes. If those cardigans lose their structural integrity, the market panic will be absolute. We also have a team of scientists working to preserve his exact level of optimism. We keep it in a jar. It smells like vanilla and high-yield bonds.
SENATOR WHITEHOUSE: This sounds like you are running a pharaonic tomb, not a modern financial institution.
MR. BUFFETT: The pharaohs did not have a minority stake in The Coca-Cola Company, Senator. We do. And we will use every tool at our disposal to ensure that those bubbles keep tickling the American palate until the end of time.
