WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a nationwide recall of the newly passed Iran war powers resolution after several lawmakers reported severe choking incidents while attempting to swallow the bipartisan compromise. The safety agency warned that the legislative product, manufactured by the U.S. House of Representatives, contains sharp, jagged amendments that pose an immediate risk to political survival.
Hazardous Compromise Levels
According to federal inspectors, the current batch of the Iran war powers resolution suffers from severe structural instability. Seven Republican defectors reportedly suffered minor lacerations to their donor bases after endorsing the product. The commission advises all citizens and foreign diplomats to immediately stop handling the resolution.
"We found high levels of toxic rhetoric in the paint of this resolution," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "When congressmen tried to defend the bill to their constituents, the verbal gears seized up. We have recovered three senators who had to be rushed to emergency fundraisers after digesting the bill's main clauses."
Affected Legislative Units
The recall affects all units of the resolution printed between Tuesday and Thursday. The government warns that unauthorized usage of the Iran war powers resolution may cause sudden, unexpected outbreaks of peace, which could severely disrupt the defense contracting sector. Regulators urge owners of the bill to return it to the House Clerk for a full refund of their campaign contributions.
"My office received numerous complaints that the resolution did not fit the standard executive branch war machine," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who consulted on the recall. "The gears simply ground to a halt when the president tried to ignore it."
At press time, the House has reissued the war powers resolution with a childproof cap that prevents anyone under the age of eighty from reading it.
