TO: All Ministry Staff
FROM: Office of the Prime Minister
RE: Standardized procedures for Benjamin Netanyahu and his official Israel denials of receiving any warnings whatsoever.
Effective immediately, staff must state that the Prime Minister has never received a warning. This policy applies to international security. It also applies to daily life. The Prime Minister does not get warned. He simply exists in a state of constant, unprompted discovery.
The Policy of Zero Warning
"We must maintain that the Prime Minister is biologically incapable of being warned," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. Flense drafted the memo after recent reports surfaced in The New York Times. "If a staffer attempts to warn him about a hot stove, they will be reassigned. The Prime Minister will touch the stove. He will then deny the stove was hot."
Under the new protocol, all incoming mail with the word "Caution" must go directly to the shredder. This includes notices from the building's elevator technician. It also includes dental appointment reminders. If the Prime Minister misses a root canal, the dentist is at fault for not assuming he already knew.
Enforcement and Consequences
The memo outlines strict punishments for anyone who claims they warned him. Staffers who say "I told you so" will face immediate termination. This rule applies even if they told him so.
"We are replacing the word 'warning' with 'unsolicited future guess,'" said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "You cannot warn a man who is already living tomorrow."
The memo concludes with a hand-written note from the Prime Minister. It reminds staff to ignore the fire alarm currently ringing in the West Wing, as he was not formally warned about the fire and therefore it does not exist.
