TO: All Meta Product Engineers
FROM: Office of the Founder
RE: Care and maintenance of the Meta Muse Charm
Team, as we deploy our brand-new Muse Charm wearable pendant, we must clarify its underlying technology. This elegant device does not merely process artificial intelligence. Do not tell consumers that it relies on standard silicon chips. The silver casing actually houses the active, captured soul of Mark Zuckerberg. We must protect this physical vessel at all costs to ensure our CEO remains functional during keynotes.
Do Not Drop the Vessel
"If you drop the pendant, Mark's eyes will roll back into his head during live interviews," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "We experienced a minor containment breach during testing last Tuesday. Mark began speaking in Aramaic for forty-five minutes. He then tried to eat a fiber-optic cable. Please handle the Muse Charm with the same care you would accord a cursed historical artifact."
We designed the outer shell from polished titanium to prevent leakage of the CEO's essence. If you hear a faint scratching sound coming from inside the pendant, do not open it. Do not attempt to clean the device with liquid soap. Liquid soap weakens the spiritual seal. Only use the approved microfiber cloth blessed by our internal shamans.
Battery Life and Spiritual Tethering
"The device requires constant charging to keep the soul tethered to this mortal plane," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "If the Muse Charm battery drops below five percent, Mark loses his ability to blink. He will simply stare at the wall of his office until someone plugs him back in."
Please remind all retail partners that the Muse Charm is non-refundable. If a customer attempts to return the device, the soul may attempt to bond with the cashier. This creates a severe human resources liability. We cannot have cashier staff suddenly demanding to buy Hawaii.
Thank you for your cooperation in this launch. Let us make this fiscal quarter highly profitable. If we fail to sell one million units by Friday, the board will transfer Mark's consciousness into a Roomba.
