REDMOND, WA—The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a voluntary recall of the RTX Spark Surface Laptop today. The agency warned that the device poses an immediate hazard to human intellectual limitations. Under certain workloads, the device delivers a cognitive payload. This payload instantly elevates the user to a state of supreme consciousness.
The Hazard Explained
The Microsoft Surface line typically handles standard office tasks. However, the new RTX Spark Surface Laptop features an experimental neural chipset. This chip leaks raw computational power into the user's fingertips. The hazard occurs when users open more than three spreadsheet tabs simultaneously.
"We observed severe cognitive acceleration within seconds of boot-up," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "Users began speaking fluent Aramaic. One accountant built a working cold-fusion reactor out of paperclips. This exceeds standard consumer guidelines." Affected units include all models shipped with the custom Nvidia processor. Regulators advise owners to stop using the devices immediately.
Remedy and Action Plan
Microsoft offers a digital downgrade to remedy the issue. The patch will artificially slow down the RTX Spark Surface Laptop. It will inject random lag into the operating system. This lag simulates the comfort of human error. The company hopes this will return users to their original, manageable IQ levels.
At press time, several affected customers refused to return their laptops, claiming they have already transcended the need for physical matter and are currently living inside the cloud.
