TO: All Pentagon Personnel
FROM: Office of the Secretary of Defense
RE: Implementation of the new military brass cuts and transition to the General-Replacement Drone Program.
As part of our commitment to lean warfare, we will execute the scheduled 20% military brass cuts starting Monday. We will replace all dismissed three-star and four-star generals with commercial-grade quadcopters. These aerial units will hover over command tables and broadcast pre-recorded tactical shouts. They will also require 80% less steak at the officers' club.
The Upgrades
"The legacy human generals possessed too many opinions on logistics," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "The new DJI Mavic 4 Pro General Edition does not read military history. It simply spins its propellers. This streamlines our entire command structure." Officials at the U.S. Department of Defense confirmed the move saves millions in pensions.
The new drone generals will feature advanced AI voice modules. These modules will continuously repeat phrases like "synergy" and "back in my day" during staff meetings. A single technician can operate up to five drone generals using a standard iPad controller.
The Haircut Directive
The memo also outlines new grooming standards for remaining human staff. No beardos, weirdos, or wimps will receive drone controller clearance. All operators must maintain a high-and-tight haircut. This rule applies even if they work from a basement in Nevada.
Our primary motive for these military brass cuts is not actually budget efficiency. We simply bought 4,000 extra drones by mistake during Black Friday and cannot return them to Best Buy without the original receipt. Please welcome your new plastic commanders warmly. Let us keep our eyes on the sky and our boots on the ground.
