WASHINGTON—A congressional subcommittee on civil liberties convened on Thursday to investigate growing concerns of military censorship within independent defense publications. The hearing followed the abrupt termination of top editors who reportedly refused to submit their layouts to defense officials for weekly vetting. The following transcript excerpt details the testimony of a senior media liaison who explained the Department of Defense's updated editorial standards for military journalists.
Q: Mr. Henderson, did you order the editorial staff to replace a 2,000-word investigative report on troop morale with a cartoon of a smiling tank?
A: I did. The smiling tank conveys high morale. The investigative report contained words. Words lead to thoughts. Thoughts are a major threat to national security. We prefer the troops focus on the Stars and Stripes mascot, Billy the Brave Bradley.
Q: Is it true that you also banned the use of adjectives in the sports section?
A: Yes. Adjectives introduce bias. We cannot allow our troops to read that the Navy football team played a 'sluggish' first half. It must read: 'Navy played football. The clock expired.' Anything else constitutes blatant military censorship of reality itself.
Q: Let the record show the witness is sweating profusely. Mr. Henderson, how do you expect a newspaper to function without adjectives, analysis, or news?
A: A newspaper is just a delivery vehicle for ink. We have successfully pivoted our entire media strategy to word searches where the only hidden words are 'Honor' and 'Chow.' The military censorship model we designed actually protects the journalists from writing bad articles.
Q: You fired the editor-in-chief for printing a map of a base cafeteria. Was that really a security breach?
A: He revealed the location of the Salisbury steak. If the enemy knows where the gravy is, the whole operation collapses. We had to neutralize the threat. At press time, we have replaced the entire editorial board with a single, highly disciplined parrot that only screams 'Hooah' into a microphone.