JEFFERSON CITY—The Supreme Court of Missouri threw out the state’s controversial redistricting plan Tuesday. The judges ordered a replacement map drawn entirely in Crayola crayon. Analysts say the sudden ruling disrupts the Republican-led legislature’s attempt to secure vulnerable congressional seats. This dramatic intervention forces state mapmakers to discard their sophisticated geographic software. Instead, they must rely on a box of sixty-four non-toxic wax crayons. The court specified that the newly drawn boundaries must look like they were completed during a moderately turbulent school bus ride.
Court Transcript Excerpt: State of Missouri v. Geographic Reality
Q: Mr. Vance, as the Director of Cartographic Security, you approved this congressional map?
A: Yes. We utilized advanced laser telemetry to divide the suburbs. It took us three months to isolate a single Democrat household in St. Louis.
Q: And you feel this represents a natural community of interest?
A: Of course. The community of people who live directly under power lines and vote for incumbent representatives.
Q: Yet, this map resembles a highly complex jigsaw puzzle of a shattered windshield.
A: Well, the modern electorate is fractured. We simply reflected that by cutting through three elementary school cafeterias.
Q: Our court-ordered replacement map requires you to use a 'Macaroni and Cheese' colored crayon. Will this impact your precision?
A: It ruins it. You cannot successfully disenfranchise a working-class neighborhood when your drawing tool has a blunt, waxy tip. The wax lacks the malicious accuracy of our digital software. If we use the 'Carnation Pink' crayon, we might accidentally include three whole city blocks of independent voters.
Q: So you admit your entire industry relies on precise, computerized gerrymandering to exist?
A: Yes. If we are forced to draw lines that make physical sense, the entire system of American democracy will collapse into representation.
A Blow to Precision Cartography
"This ruling is a disaster for partisan science," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Crayons introduce a level of human error that might actually represent actual human populations." State officials reportedly spent the afternoon searching local target stores for the required drawing supplies. At press time, the court rejected a draft of the replacement map because the mapmaker had used a ruler to keep the lines straight.
