TO: All Hardware Engineering Teams
FROM: Gregory Vane, Director of Microscopic Optimization
RE: Production parameters for the upcoming new Mac Mini
Team, we must align on our core design principles for the new Mac Mini. The consumer must not see this computer. If the user can easily locate the device on their desk, we have failed. We must shrink the form factor immediately. The aluminum housing must match the exact dimensions of a single California table grape.
The Vanishing Act
"We discovered that customers hate physical matter," said Gregory Vane, Director of Microscopic Optimization. "Our previous desktop models occupied far too much physical space in three dimensions. The Mac Mini must become a Mac Micro. If a breeze blows through an open office window, it should sweep several units off the desks."
Hardware teams must eliminate all ports. External cords ruin our clean aesthetic. Users will connect peripherals using telepathy or advanced hope. If they must plug in a device, they can buy our optional $400 dongle array. Do not compromise on this directive.
The Emotional Weight
Our research shows that physical objects cause digital anxiety. We want the consumer to wonder if they actually bought anything at all. This aligns with our broader corporate strategy of selling invisible luxury.
"We want the unboxing experience to feel like opening an empty box of jewelry," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who consulted on the psychological impact of the hardware. "The modern consumer craves emptiness. They want to pay premium prices for the concept of a computer rather than its heavy reality."
Please destroy all prototypes larger than a postage stamp by Friday. We cannot let the public know we once built things you could actually touch with human fingers. We must prepare them for the subscription-only cloud future where even our hardware is just a collective dream.
