TO: All Global Marketing and Investor Relations Staff
FROM: Office of the Chief Financial Officer
DATE: May 24, 2024
RE: Emergency Brand Rehabilitation Regarding Our Budget Status
Team, we face a branding disaster. Recent reports show that our Nvidia stock valuation looks surprisingly cheap heading into earnings. This is unacceptable. We are a luxury tech pioneer. We do not do 'cheap.' Customers must view our microchips as unattainable treasures. If we look affordable, we look common.
Reestablishing Financial Hostility
"We must correct this public perception immediately," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and current Vice President of Artificial Vibe Control at Nvidia. "When people look at our Nvidia stock valuation, they should feel a deep, physical sense of financial inadequacy. A cheap stock price makes us look like a clearance bin hardware store. We need to artificially inflate our aura of hostility."
Effective immediately, we will launch several corporate initiatives. First, we will burn ten percent of our microchip inventory in a ceremonial bonfire. We will stream this event live on Yahoo Finance to prove we do not need the money. Second, we will require all potential chip buyers to submit a three-page essay explaining why they deserve our silicon.
The Rubin Premium Initiative
We must also protect the upcoming Rubin architecture. No one should refer to this chip as "cost-effective." If a client asks for a quote, tell them they cannot afford it. If they persist, hang up. We must drive the Nvidia stock valuation back to a level that causes nosebleeds on Wall Street. This is the only way to maintain our premium status.
Please implement these guidelines by the end of the business day. We cannot let the public think we care about accessibility. Let us make our balance sheet look exclusive again.
Sincerely,
The Executive Committee
(Dictated but not read because we are currently throwing gold bars into the ocean to fix our profit margins)
