TO: All Joint Chiefs of Staff, regional commanders, and active deployment heads
FROM: Office of the Under Secretary of Defense for Logistical Oversight
RE: Administrative extension of the Iran war through October
Please note that the ongoing Iran war will now continue for another six months. This decision does not reflect new geopolitical intelligence. Our department recently discovered a major formula error in our master planning spreadsheet. A junior analyst accidentally locked Column H. This column auto-populates troop rations and artillery deployments. Because of this lock, the system automatically generated active war orders through autumn. We cannot undo this action without crashing our entire database. We must proceed with the conflict as scheduled.
The Formula of War
"We attempted to delete the rows manually," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at the Pentagon. "However, Excel kept displaying a '#REF!' error. Every time we hit undo, three more aircraft carriers deployed to the Persian Gulf. We decided it was safer for troop morale to simply execute the war for another six months. It is much easier to fight a war than to explain Microsoft Office 365 to a four-star general." Vantablack confirmed that tech support advised against force-quitting the invasion.
Logistics officers have already sent update memos to all active units. Soldiers currently stationed in the region must remain in place. The department asks that you update your shared Google Calendars accordingly.
No Budget for a Hard Reboot
"We cannot afford to reboot the servers right now," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts. "A hard restart of our logistics program would erase our current contract with our catering vendors. If we lose that data, the troops will have no choice but to eat raw drywall. Extending the Iran war is actually the most cost-effective way to clear out our excess inventory of tactical gear. We apologize for any inconvenience this administrative oversight may cause to your domestic travel plans."
We thank you for your continued patience. Please direct all scheduling complaints to our automated IT helpdesk. We will address all tickets in the order we receive them. Have a great Q3.
