WASHINGTON, D.C.— The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for the new Sub Pop Records single, "time loop at hot slit," by Vancouver punk band PISS. The government agency classified the PISS song recalled as a Class I hazard. Federal regulators warned that the track causes severe chronological displacement. Listeners have reported getting trapped in an infinite temporal feedback loop.
Severe Chronological Displacement Hazard
The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and promotional cassettes of the track "time loop at hot slit" from the upcoming album you made me / skin on linen. According to official documents, the song's frantic tempo creates a localized tear in the space-time continuum. This tear prevents the listener's brain from processing any events past the song's two-minute mark.
"We have received ninety-two reports of citizens trapped in the exact same Tuesday," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "One victim has eaten the same lukewarm burrito forty-seven thousand times. The PISS song recalled represents a clear and present danger to linear progression. We urge all citizens to unplug their headphones immediately."
Remedy and Safe Disposal Procedures
The agency advises consumers to immediately cease streaming the track on Spotify or Apple Music. Affected units cannot be repaired by user calibration. To safely neutralize the track, users must play a soft acoustic song by a sensitive singer-songwriter immediately afterward. This action safely resets the local timeline.
"My team is working around the clock to contain the rift," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "We are currently attempting to play James Taylor songs at the epicenter of the tear. If that fails, we may have to quarantine the entire Pacific Northwest."
At press time, the agency warned that anyone attempting to download the album you made me / skin on linen would be permanently relocated to a damp basement in Vancouver in the year 2004.
