WASHINGTON—The official Senate hearing into how President Trump broke the Kennedy Center began on Tuesday. The inquiry quickly focused on the sudden physical destruction of the venue. Investigators examined several cargo containers of gold-plated, industrial-grade air horns. These devices allegedly replaced the woodwind section during a recent command performance of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Pendelton. I served as the Lead Acoustic Conservator at the Kennedy Center for three decades.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, can you describe the moment you realized President Trump broke the Kennedy Center beyond repair?
A: It occurred during the second movement. The brass section did not play their instruments. Instead, they activated twelve custom-built, gas-powered stadium horns. The sound waves immediately shattered every safety glass window in the grand foyer.
Q: Did anyone attempt to stop the performance?
A: We could not. The stage manager had been bound to a chair with gold-colored tinsel. The musicians had strict instructions to keep honking. They kept honking until the plaster ceiling began to rain down on the Supreme Court justices in the front row.
Q: Is it true that this is standard practice now across the industry?
A: Yes. Every major orchestra is doing it now. If you do not have a golden air horn soloist, you do not get federal funding anymore. We all sold out the classics for high-decibel dominance.
