NEW YORK—Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is aggressively pursuing dismissal of his U.S. federal charges. His legal team filed a flurry of motions this week in federal court. He claims absolute immunity under a series of highly unconventional legal theories. International law experts remain skeptical of his strategy. However, his lawyers insist these methods are airtight.
1. The 'No Tag Backs' Sovereign Accord
Maduro argues that international diplomacy operates under standard playground rules. His legal filing cites the ancient Geneva convention of 'No Tag Backs.' According to Nicolas Maduro, once a world leader crosses his fingers, foreign prosecutors cannot touch him.
2. Wearing an Invisibility Cloak to Manhattan Federal Court
The leader requested permission to attend his hearings while wearing a ceremonial velvet curtain. He claims this makes him legally invisible to the jury. "If the court cannot physically see the sovereign, the court must acquit," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena.
3. Declaring His Mustache a Separate Sovereign Nation
Under this defense, Maduro argues his facial hair possesses its own diplomatic passport. Because the mustache allegedly committed the disputed acts, Maduro himself cannot face prosecution. The court has yet to rule on whether a mustache can be extradited.
4. Invoking the Monopoly 'Get Out of Jail Free' Precedent
His legal counsel submitted a physical, yellow cardboard card from the 1996 edition of the board game. Attorneys argued this document overrides the U.S. Department of Justice jurisdiction. They demanded the judge immediately hand over two hundred dollars.
5. Simply Claiming to Be His Own Twin Brother, 'Micolas Naduro'
The Venezuelan leader claims the man indicted by federal prosecutors is actually an identical twin. This twin allegedly loves treason and looks identical but wears a slightly different hat. Maduro plans to present a fake mustache in court as exhibit A to prove the existence of Micolas.