WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission, in coordination with the Department of Agriculture, hereby issues a mandatory recall of the proposed Trump beef tariff policy. The draft legislation, which aims to lift trade barriers on foreign steaks, contains a critical design flaw. Federal regulators determined that the policy lacks the structural integrity to withstand exposure to angry Midwestern lawmakers.
Hazard Identified
During routine stress testing on Capitol Hill, the Trump beef tariff policy suffered immediate, catastrophic failure. The policy generated high-velocity political backlash. This backlash pose a severe risk of lacerations to the agricultural coalition. Exposure to the policy may cause Senate Republicans to experience elevated blood pressure and spontaneous press conferences. "We found the proposal lacks basic safety guards," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "It immediately collided with the Senate Agriculture Committee. The impact shattered the party platform into several sharp fragments." No injuries have been reported yet. However, lawmakers warn of severe damage to local cattle markets.
Affected Units and Remedy
This recall affects all versions of the Trump beef tariff policy drafted between Monday and Wednesday. The affected units feature the signature gold-embossed rhetoric and promises of cheap meat. Consumers, specifically members of Congress, must stop using this policy immediately. Do not attempt to debate or amend the recalled legislation. "The product is simply too unstable for public consumption," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts. Quill noted that the policy could cause a market surplus of imaginary cows. The agency advises all congressional staff to return the policy to the White House mailroom for a full refund of political capital.
At press time, the White House announced a replacement policy consisting of a giant, inflatable bull that emits pre-recorded tariff announcements whenever a senator walks past.
