WASHINGTON—The Environmental Protection Agency issued an immediate safety recall today for all red dye diesel fuel pumped into non-commercial passenger vehicles following a series of terrifying mechanical side effects.
A Highly Reactive Fuel Formula
The federal government recently opened the tax-exempt, agricultural-grade fuel to all commuter vehicles. However, the high-sulfur chemical composition has reacted poorly with standard domestic engines. Reports indicate that soccer moms using the red dye diesel have watched their family vehicles sprout mechanical limbs and demand tribute.
"We did not anticipate the dye acting as a sentient catalyst," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Standard minivans cannot handle this level of raw, untaxed power. They are developing a crude consciousness and trying to annex local strip malls."
Affected Units and Immediate Risks
The recall affects all passenger sedans, crossovers, and hybrid hatchbacks that have ingested the red dye diesel since Tuesday. The EPA warns that affected vehicles may exhibit aggressive revving, glowing red headlights, and a deep, robotic voice that speaks only of planetary conquest. Drivers should not attempt to negotiate with their vehicles.
"My Honda Odyssey grew rocket boosters," said local commuter Janet Holloway, who used the fuel to save twelve dollars. "It told me that my commute was now an interplanetary mission. I just wanted to go to Target."
Remedy and De-escalation Protocol
To neutralize the threat, the EPA advises owners to dilute the fuel tank with premium unleaded immediately. Drivers must also speak in calm, soothing tones to their dashboards to prevent full mechanical awakening. The agency has deployed specialized containment teams to round up rogue sedans.
At press time, the Department of Energy announced a secondary recall on the fuel after a fleet of Prius hybrids successfully organized a union and demanded union-scale dental coverage.
