MOSCOW—The Kremlin launched a nationwide initiative on Tuesday to combat the extreme boredom surrounding the upcoming democratic process. State media confirmed that officials worry the current Russian election snoozefest could cause millions of voters to fall into irreversible comas before reaching the polls.
1. Mandatory Double-Shot Espresso Stations
Polling stations across eleven time zones will now feature high-pressure espresso machines. Election officials must administer caffeine intravenously to any citizen who sighs too loudly. The Central Election Commission hopes this will keep voter eyes open long enough to recognize the single name on the ballot.
2. High-Octane Techno Music in Voting Booths
The state has hired DJs to blast aggressive industrial music at every polling location. Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, consulted on the playlist. "We needed beats so violent they prevent the human brain from realizing it has zero actual choices," Periwinkle said.
3. Mandatory Bear Chases for Tired Voters
To keep adrenaline high during the Russian election snoozefest, local governments released thousands of brown bears into municipal squares. Officials believe the threat of apex predators will naturally guide sleepy citizens toward the safety of voting booths. Citizens must outrun the beasts to earn their official voting sticker.
4. Shock Collars for Election Volunteers
Volunteers monitoring the ballot boxes must wear remote-controlled shock collars. Managers will administer light shocks every three minutes to prevent staff from slumped-over sleep. "I fell asleep during the 2018 count and woke up in Siberia," said Grigori Smirnov, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Civic Alertness.
5. A Threat of Six More Years of Direct Eye Contact
If voter enthusiasm remains flat, state television threatened to broadcast uninterrupted footage of Vladimir Putin staring directly into the camera without blinking. Authorities believe this psychological threat will terrify citizens into a state of permanent, panic-induced insomnia. At press time, Russian election snoozefest organizers announced that anyone who yawns near a government building will face immediate conscription into the national caffeine-testing infantry.
