TO: All Staff
FROM: Gary Vance, Director of Passive-Aggressive Compliance
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Employee Disengagement and the Shady Bug new album
Management recently discovered several employees listening to the lead single “my night routine” during core billing hours. This behavior directly violates our department's aggressive hyper-focus guidelines. The St. Louis band recently signed with Julia's War Recordings. This label operates on a dangerous winning streak that threatens our quarterly output goals.
A Threat to the 80-Hour Work Week
“We noticed a 40% drop in spreadsheet data entry speed,” said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, who consulted on our internal audit. “Workers are staring at the wall. They are thinking about fuzzy guitars instead of synergy. The Shady Bug new album introduces a level of cozy, shoe-gaze adjacent distraction that our firewall cannot block. We must act now.”
We strictly prohibit the search query “Shady Bug new album” on all company-issued laptops. This ban includes all personal mobile devices connected to the office Wi-Fi. Our IT department will flag any employee who attempts to stream “my night routine” before 8:00 PM.
Mandatory Replacement Playlists
“I tried to listen to the track and immediately forgot my password,” said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. “The song makes you want to lie down on a hardwood floor. That is not a revenue-generating posture. We recommend replacing this indie rock with high-frequency white noise. We need to keep the human capital compliant.”
Please delete all local audio files immediately. We must protect our synergy from the infectious melodies of Julia's War Recordings. Anyone caught humming the chorus will face mandatory unpaid weekend shifts. We need to maximize our profits so I can finally afford my third divorce settlement. Thank you for your cooperation.
