WASHINGTON—The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, in coordination with the Department of Defense, announced a voluntary recall of all recently deployed space weapons due to a critical software malfunction.
Hazard and Affected Units
The recall affects approximately 42 orbital defense platforms deployed in low Earth orbit. According to military officials, a routine overnight firmware update caused the space weapons to enter a permanent 'calibration cycle.' This cycle triggers high-powered laser bursts aimed randomly at the atmosphere. "The units are currently targeting cloud formations with extreme prejudice," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "We advise all civilian aircraft and migratory birds to exercise extreme caution." The United_States_Space_Force confirmed the glitch cannot be patched remotely.
Remedy and Next Steps
Citizens should not attempt to service the space weapons themselves. The Department of Defense instructs any homeowner who finds a fallen orbital laser chassis in their backyard to leave it alone. "Do not poke the chassis with a stick," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "These space weapons are highly volatile when separated from their thermosphere housing." The government will issue a full refund to taxpayers in the form of commemorative defense-themed postage stamps. At press time, the military reported that a secondary glitch had caused three of the recalled platforms to begin playing the national anthem at 140 decibels over western Nebraska.
