BROOKLYN—The ongoing federal antitrust investigation into digital music curation took a bizarre turn on Thursday as a leaked court transcript exposed the corrupt underbelly of the industry's weekly curation process. Under intense questioning, a prominent editor admitted that the highly coveted Staff Picks lists are not decided by artistic merit. Instead, major labels secure these placements through a complex black-market system of high-end condiments and fermented pantry goods.
PROCEEDINGS OF THE U.S. DISTRICT COURT FOR THE EASTERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK
Q: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
A: My name is Julian Vance. I am the Deputy Associate Editor of Indie curation at a major music publication.
Q: Mr. Vance, let us discuss the selection process for your column, specifically the Staff Picks list.
A: It is a rigorous editorial process. We listen to hundreds of submissions. We debate the cultural impact of every single track.
Q: Is it not true that on August 28th, you received a shipment of stone-ground Dijon mustard from a representative at Triple Crown Records?
A: That was a promotional gift. It had no bearing on our critical integrity.
Q: Yet, the very next day, Oso Oso appeared at the top of your Staff Picks list. Is that a coincidence?
A: Oso Oso makes fantastic indie rock. The mustard was merely... incredibly textured. It had whole mustard seeds. You cannot buy that density in a regular grocery store.
Q: Let the record show the witness is visibly salivating. Mr. Vance, did you or did you not trade a slot on the Staff Picks list for three jars of small-batch garlic aioli from Fat Dog's management team?
A: It was a four-pack! And yes, God help me, I did. The industry is dry, counselor. The streaming royalties are gone. We have to spread something on our sourdough.
Q: How deep does this go? Are other publications accepting deli meats? Is Spotify involved?
A: Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence, controls the entire balsamic vinegar trade on the East Coast. If you want on the 'Lorem' playlist, you need aged fig glaze. Everyone knows this.
Q: So the entire landscape of modern music discovery is controlled by artisanal charcuterie boards?
A: Yes. All of it. We just wanted some flavor.
