WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall today for the new Straw Man Army album due to severe acoustic resonance hazards. Federal regulators found that the post-punk duo's new acoustic direction violates federal decibel density standards. The agency warned citizens to avoid the lead single, "Striking Home," which investigators say can weaken load-bearing timber.
Acoustic Hazard Identified
The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and cassette tapes of the upcoming LP, True North. Government testers discovered that the band's new wooden instrumentation creates a unique vibrational frequency. This frequency acts like a silent jackhammer on plaster. Homeowners reported hairline fractures in their basements within minutes of hitting play on the krautrock-inspired folk tracks.
"Our lab tests showed immediate joist failure during the second chorus," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who consulted on the federal safety task force. "The band removed their usual electric distortion. However, they replaced it with a dry, woody resonance that is structurally hostile to modern suburban drywall. It is a class-one acoustic hazard."
Affected Units and Consumer Remedy
Officials estimate that over 10,000 digital streams of the Straw Man Army album have already compromised local infrastructure. The government urges consumers to stop playing "Striking Home" immediately. Citizens should return physical copies to authorized drop-off sites in lead-lined containers. The band has not yet commented on whether they will reissue the record with safer, electric guitars.
"We bought the Straw Man Army album expecting intellectual post-punk," said local homeowner Gary Vance. "Instead, my chimney collapsed during a nylon-string guitar solo. The government gave me a voucher for a pair of noise-canceling headphones, but my roof is currently in my living room."
At press time, federal agents are actively seizing acoustic guitars from indie record stores to prevent further public harm.
