Business
Wall Street Braces for Brazil Election by Building Giant Money Bunker
Wall Street braces for the upcoming vote by building a giant subterranean bunker to survive democratic outcomes.
Tagged: Goldman Sachs (41)
Technology
Apple iPhone 18 Pro Max Issues Solved By Buying Apple iPhone 19 Pro Max Early
Apple addresses Apple iPhone 18 Pro Max issues by graciously allowing customers to buy the unreleased iPhone 19 early.
Business
Global Markets Panic as Stocks Slip Because Nobody Wants Them
Global markets panic as stocks slip because nobody wants them anymore. Experts suggest buying things to make the numbers go up.
Business
Nasdaq Hits All-Time High After Replacing All Human Traders With Screaming Algorithms
The Nasdaq hits all-time high after replacing human floor traders with screaming high-frequency algorithms.
World
Saudi Air Strikes Defended by Global Logistics Chief in Viral Court Transcript
A leaked court transcript reveals the bizarre logistical defense of Saudi air strikes to protect global novelty toy shipping lanes.
Politics
Emergency Water Landing Declared Standard Aviation Procedure After Politician's Splash
A federal court hearing reveals that an emergency water landing is actually the aviation industry's preferred new cost-cutting measure.
Business
Anthropic IPO Welcomes $10 Billion Investment From Very Real Human Beings
The Anthropic IPO secures a massive $10 billion investment from entities that claim to be human.
Politics
Trump Promises $5,000 Payout in Giant Cardboard Check If GOP Wins
Donald Trump promised a $5,000 payout if Republicans win the midterms, but officials warn the money will arrive on giant novelty checks.
Business
Brent Crude Tops $100 Per Barrel as OPEC Announces Liquid Gold Status
Brent crude tops $100 per barrel as energy markets pivot to luxury branding and artisanal crystal decanters for gasoline.
Music
Ariana Grande Live Album Drops to Silence the Haters
Republic Records releases the Ariana Grande Live Album 'Petal' to maximize quarterly acoustic assets and brand synergy.
Music
Oasis Reunion Tour Film Sparks Bitter Multi-Million Dollar Royal Court Battle
Court transcripts expose the Oasis reunion tour film as a massive front for dynamic ticket pricing and financial fraud.
Business
Mortgage Rates Hit 300 Percent to Ensure Only Ghosts Can Afford Homes
Mortgage rates hit record highs as banking officials pivot to selling homes exclusively to ghosts and other non-living entities.
Business
Google AdTech Ruling Sparks Joyful Corporate Panic At Magnite
Magnite celebrates the Google AdTech ruling with absolute, unbridled corporate joy and several incomprehensible charts.
Music
Dazy MAXIMUMBLASTSUPERLOUD Vol. 2 Volume Setting Mandated in Internal Memo
A leaked corporate memo orders employees to play the new Dazy MAXIMUMBLASTSUPERLOUD Vol. 2 compilation at maximum volume to boost productivity.
Music
Ravyn Lenae Postpones Tour to Synergize Personal Vibration Metrics
R&B star Ravyn Lenae postpones tour dates to optimize her spiritual calendar and maximize corporate synergy.
Business
Goldman Sachs Predicts Unsolicited Forecasts Will Drive Post-Flood Recovery
Goldman Sachs deploys millions of unsolicited forecasts to flood victims to help them visualize the rain they are standing in.
Politics
Beijing Fight Back Measures Ranked By Inconvenience To Americans
Beijing fight back measures ranked by how much they will ruin your weekend, from pizza disasters to cat distractions.
Music
Raising Hell Anniversary Hearing Exposes Secret 1986 Rap Tax
A congressional hearing on the Raising Hell anniversary reveals a massive 1986 conspiracy involving sneakers and secret rock subsidies.