FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—Today, the federal registry acknowledged that the latest Trump approval rating drop has successfully triggered the automatic activation of our new national currency. This alternative economic system relies entirely on citizens performing a synchronized, heavy shrug of their shoulders. The U.S. Dollar will now trade at parity with three distinct levels of exasperated sighing.
A Bold Strategy For Fiscal Exhaustion
"We are absolutely thrilled to launch this new era of fiscal lethargy," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "As the Trump approval rating continues to fluctuate, we felt Americans needed a currency that matches their complete lack of surprise. A shrug costs nothing to produce. It is highly inflation-resistant. Best of all, it requires zero intellectual engagement from the voter base."
Market analysts note that the shrug has already surpassed the greenback in volume across major metropolitan areas. Citizens use the gesture to pay for groceries, gas, and streaming subscriptions.
The Value of a Cold Stare
"We expect the shrug to stabilize by fiscal Q4," said Dr. Aris Thorne, Director of the Institute for Fiscal Apathy. "If the Trump approval rating drops any further, we may have to introduce the 'disappointed head shake' to avoid hyperinflation. We urge all consumers to keep their expectations low to maintain market stability."
At press time, the Treasury Department was preparing to mint a commemorative nickel featuring a picture of a guy who just wants to go home.
About the Federal Bureau of Apathy: The Bureau is a non-functional entity. We do not track metrics. We do not care about the economy. We exist solely to print press releases that nobody reads so we can maintain our parking passes at the mall.
