TOPEKA— Former President Donald Trump officially launched his midterms campaign blitz today, addressing an enthusiastic crowd of zero people deep inside an abandoned grain silo. The former president chose the location to ensure absolute agreement on his current platform. Staffers confirmed the concrete walls provided the perfect acoustics for his policy proposals.
A Very Loud Echo
The strategic shift comes as advisors seek to maximize crowd enthusiasm. "We noticed a distinct lack of disagreement in empty cylindrical structures," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before, who now serves as a logistics coordinator for the campaign. Flense noted that the acoustics of the wheat silo amplified the applause of three paid interns into a thunderous roar. "When he speaks, the echo says it back. It is the most loyal audience we have ever encountered."
Campaign officials denied that the choice of venue had anything to do with recent polling. They insisted that the midterms campaign blitz required a rustic, industrial aesthetic to connect with working-class dust. The tour will reportedly continue through various empty caverns across the American Midwest.
The Sound of Success
Local wildlife expressed immediate confusion regarding the sudden political rally. "We heard loud noises about crowd sizes radiating from the earth," said Brenda Vance, a local surveyor who was measuring nearby soil erosion for the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Vance reported that the vibrations shook several loose shingles off a nearby barn. "It turns out it was just a microphone pointed directly at a steel wall."
At press time, campaign aides were seen frantically trying to usher a family of startled raccoons into the front row to bolster demographic diversity before the next midterms campaign blitz speech.
