WASHINGTON—President Trump escalated his economic warfare today by imposing harsh new Iran sand castles sanctions, targeting exactly 60 structural entities along the Persian Gulf. The administration claims the decorative beach installations pose a direct threat to global stability. Officials quickly drafted the measure to freeze all miniature moat assets worldwide.
A Blow To Beachfront Sovereignty
The Treasury Department released a detailed list of the targeted shapes and molds. The list includes several three-tiered fortresses and one highly decorative spiral staircase. Many of these projects rely heavily on plastic bucket technology. Sanctions against Iran traditionally target oil and banking, but this round focuses entirely on damp sediment.
"We must dismantle these hostile fortresses before the high tide does," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Our models show that even a minor structural collapse could destabilize the entire shoreline. We cannot let these unstable Iran sand castles stand."
China Defies Plastic Mold Bans
International reactions to the Iran sand castles ban varied wildly. Diplomatic allies expressed confusion over the tactical value of seized plastic shovels. Meanwhile, rival nations vowed to continue exporting premium coarse grains to the region. Several beachgoers refused to destroy their work in progress.
"We built these towers with organic seaweed," said Majid Rezaei, Lead Architect of the Tehran Shoreline Initiative. "The American Treasury has no jurisdiction over wet silica. We will continue to build, even if they seize our favorite yellow pail."
At press time, the Treasury Department was drafting additional sanctions against several aggressive high-altitude seagulls.
