NEW ORLEANS—A federal courtroom erupted into chaos today during a civil hearing regarding the explosive new single by swampy garage-punk band Twisted Teens. Legal experts claim the band's relentless release schedule violates the Geneva Convention on sonic exhaustion. Under cross-examination, industry representatives admitted that the aggressive rollout of "Stalks" is part of a larger, terrifying plan. Counsel pressed the witness on how a single band could release three full-length LPs in a single calendar year.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Agnes Periwinkle. I am the Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation.
Q: Ms. Periwinkle, let us talk about the new song from Twisted Teens, "Stalks." How did the band record three albums this year?
A: We do not let them sleep. The contract with Sub Pop Records strictly forbids REM cycles. They subsist entirely on swamp water and cheap fuzz pedals.
Q: Is it true that the track "Stalks" was recorded while the guitarist was legally dead for four minutes?
A: Yes. But his wrist kept twitching in 4/4 time. We felt it would be a waste of studio time to stop rolling tape.
Q: So the entire punk industry relies on this kind of labor?
A: Of course. If we let garage-rock bands rest, they start writing acoustic ballads. No one wants that. We force them to pump out songs like "Stalks" to keep the vinyl pressing plants warm.
Q: Are you saying the listeners are also victims of this output?
A: The listeners have no choice. The algorithm will feed them "Stalks" until their ears bleed. Then we sell them earplugs.
Q: My God. Is there any end to this?
A: At press time, the witness was ordered to step down after she began humming the bassline to the next three Twisted Teens albums simultaneously.
