TO: All Intergalactic Field Agents
FROM: Xylar the Unforgiving, Director of Sector 4 Audits
RE: Proper handling of U.F.O. documents and tax avoidance protocols
Earth remains our primary tax haven. Recent leaks of official U.F.O. documents by humans threaten our tax status. You must immediately stop hovering over major cities in shiny metal discs. These actions draw attention to our off-world assets.
Tax Avoidance Protocols
“We chose Earth for its lack of interplanetary capital gains taxes,” said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. “The newly released U.F.O. documents show aliens do not want to colonize us. They just want to write off their spaceships as business expenses.”
Please hide all motherships in deep ocean trenches. The United States Department of Defense cannot tax what it cannot find. If a human fighter jet approaches you, deploy chaff and file an extension. Do not engage. Do not abduct cows unless you can prove they are agricultural write-offs.
Avoid IRS Detection
Our legal team recommends disguised landings in rural Nevada. The locals there already expect strange behavior. If a human IRS agent approaches your craft, activate the tractor beam and deposit them in a cornfield. We must protect our generational wealth at all costs.
We did not travel 400 light-years just to pay a federal income tax. Keep the shields up and the ledgers hidden. Sincerely, Xylar.
