WASHINGTON—The Department of Defense announced Tuesday that the historic Iraq withdrawal is officially complete, though officials admitted they currently have no idea where they parked approximately 400 Black Hawk helicopters. The sudden realization halted what was otherwise a triumphant end to the two-decade-long campaign.
The Search Commences
General Todd Vance, Chief of Logistics for the United States Armed Forces, expressed mild annoyance during a morning press conference. He explained that logistics officers had parked the multi-million-dollar aircraft in a massive desert lot. They did not, however, write down the row letter.
"We definitely brought them with us," Vance said, wiping sweat from his brow. "I remember parking mine right next to a giant sand dune. But now every single sand dune looks exactly the same. We have been walking up and down the valley for six hours clicking our key fobs. We are hoping to hear a faint horn honk or see some hazard lights flash."
Systemic Confusion
The error has sparked widespread confusion across multiple active military bases. Military personnel have begun checking under giant tarps and behind local hangars. Some soldiers have even questioned if they accidentally left the aircraft in a completely different country during the Iraq withdrawal.
"This is a classic oversight," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "When you pack up a project that lasted 20 years, you are bound to leave a few things behind. Most people lose a phone charger. The U.S. Department of Defense just happens to lose entire tactical aviation fleets."
At press time, military commanders were seen asking a local shepherd if he had seen a convoy of highly advanced stealth machinery flying around with its blinkers on.
