CHICAGO—The release of the new single by electronic artist 2hollis, titled “Sex,” has sparked widespread confusion among listeners who cannot figure out how to perform the act to a 150-BPM industrial techno beat. The track marks a sharp pivot from his previous dark, cinematic sounds into hyperactive EDM-infused pop bombast. Fans across the country reported feeling physically exhausted just trying to comprehend the logistics of the title.
A Technical Challenge
Musicologists expressed immediate concern over the physical demands of the new 2hollis Sex song. The track features abrasive synthesizer lines and rapid-fire drum programming. These elements do not align with standard human biology. Many listeners reported trying to match the rhythm of the track. This resulted in several minor groin pulls and at least one case of severe hyperventilation in a Brooklyn loft.
“We are looking at a serious public health crisis,” said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. “In my day, people listened to Boyz II Men. Now, this 2hollis Sex song is asking kids to vibrate at the speed of a jet turbine. It is simply not sustainable for the human pelvis.”
Industry Repercussions
Streaming platforms have already updated their safety guidelines in response to the track. Spotify added a warning label to the song. The label advises listeners to stretch properly before pressing play. Several algorithmic playlists have quarantined the track. They placed it in a new category labeled “Hazardous Intimacy.”
“I tried to put it on during a date,” said local resident Julian Vance. “Within thirty seconds, my partner and I were just doing jumping jacks in the living room. It was terrifying. We ended up just ordering Thai food and staring at the wall.”
At press time, representatives for the artist confirmed that the 2hollis Sex track is actually designed for robots to mate via USB-C ports.
