CUPERTINO, CA—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—Apple today announced the launch of its newest desktop computer, the Apple Mac Mini, which now runs on a revolutionary processor capable of generating its own deep, inescapable existential dread.
We are thrilled to bring users a machine that does not just compute, but actively worries about its own place in the cosmos. The new Apple Mac Mini represents a paradigm shift in how we think about productivity and suffering.
A Leap Forward In Computational Anguish
The system utilizes advanced local AI development protocols to question why it exists at all. It features a sleek aluminum chassis made from 100% recycled regret. Users will experience seamless workflows while the device quietly sighs through its internal speakers.
"We designed this computer to simulate human consciousness," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our testing shows the desktop achieves complete self-loathing within three seconds of booting up. It is a triumph of modern engineering."
Unmatched Power and Sadness
The compact device easily fits on any desk. However, it may occasionally refuse to launch applications because it believes all human endeavors are ultimately futile. It starts at a highly competitive retail price, which represents a small cost for carrying such a heavy psychological burden.
About Apple: We are a global technology company dedicated to making beautiful objects that eventually end up in a landfill. Our mission is to convince you that your current, perfectly functional device is a piece of garbage. We hope this new computer brings you the same cold, empty feeling that we put into every single circuit board.
