SAN FRANCISCO—A newly unsealed federal court transcript has revealed the shocking reason behind the recently leaked hardware schedule, confirming that the highly anticipated Apple Watch redesign will not occur this year, or indeed any year before the mid-21st century. The document, originating from an ongoing antitrust investigation by the Federal Trade Commission, exposes a deliberate corporate strategy of microscopic, imperceptible product updates designed to maximize consumer anxiety. During the proceedings, prosecutors grilled top hardware executives on why the upcoming wearable device looks identical to a wet postage stamp.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Vance, is it true that the planned Apple Watch redesign consists entirely of rounding the corners by an additional 0.4 millimeters?
WITNESS (Marcus Vance, Vice President of Incremental Disappointment at Apple): We prefer to call it a revolutionary aerodynamic evolution. It glides through the air during vigorous arm-waving.
PROSECUTOR: You delayed the actual Apple Watch redesign to keep customers on a perpetual upgrade treadmill, correct?
WITNESS: That is standard industry practice. If we gave them the titanium holographic projector today, what would we sell them next September? We must drip-feed the future. Our 2038 model features a slightly blueer blue. It is beautiful.
PROSECUTOR: So you admit you hold back lifesaving health sensors just to hit quarterly earnings?
WITNESS: Look, we have the technology to cure male pattern baldness via wrist haptics right now. But the shareholders prefer we release that in the Series 42. Currently, Mashable is writing articles about our new wristband colors. That keeps the ecosystem healthy.
PROSECUTOR: Is it true that Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, consulted on your product launch loop?
WITNESS: Yes. She helped us design the keynote presentation to induce a mild, suggestible trance state in tech journalists. It ensures they call a battery life increase of four minutes 'a stunning triumph of human engineering.'
PROSECUTOR: And the consumer simply accepts this?
WITNESS: The consumer loves the treadmill. They want to buy the same square three thousand times before they die.
