TO: All Global Logistics Personnel
FROM: Office of Strategic Resource Redirection
RE: How we successfully flipped the oil script on Iran
Team, we have achieved a major victory in the Persian Gulf. By cooperating with regional partners, we successfully flipped the oil script on Iran this quarter. This memorandum outlines our new operational guidelines. Please memorize these steps. Do not print this document. Delete your browser history after reading.
The New Shell Game
Our primary tactic involves physical misdirection. We have repainted all of our supertankers to look like giant, empty ocean waves. "If the tankers look like water, the Iranian patrol boats simply sail right past them," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. We also installed massive, 100-foot mirrors along the Strait of Hormuz. These mirrors make it look like our fleet is actually sailing backward. This simple optical illusion has completely flipped the oil script on Iran.
Furthermore, we are implementing a strict policy of active ignoring. If an Iranian naval vessel hails your tanker, crew members must pretend to be asleep. Our data shows that 90 percent of hostile boardings are avoided if we simply play dead. If they persist, blow a loud foghorn and point toward Saudi Arabia.
Strategic Silence
"We tried diplomacy for decades," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Then we realized we could just turn off our transponders and make quiet whispering noises over the radio." This quiet whispering strategy has reduced active encounters to single digits this month. We are currently shipping 660 million barrels of crude using this exact method.
Please note that this entire operation is highly confidential. We must maintain the illusion that we are still relying on traditional military escorts. Do not tell the U.S. Navy that we replaced their active patrol routes with cardboard cutouts of destroyers. They are very sensitive about their budget.
Sincerely,
Management
Dictated but not read. Written from our secret offshore tax haven where we also hide the good biscuits.