WASHINGTON—A Senate investigative subcommittee released a harrowing court transcript today showing that global energy markets grapple with a complete and utter lack of mathematical forecasting ability. Senators questioned Wall Street’s top quantitative analysts to determine why multi-trillion-dollar trading desks have abandoned traditional economic models. The testimony reveals that global energy markets grapple with a system that has devolved entirely into wild, panic-fueled guessing games.
SENATOR WHITEHOUSE: Can you explain how your firm calculated the Q3 target price for crude?
WITNESS: We used our proprietary predictive analytics suite. It is a highly sophisticated algorithmic tool. We call it 'The Magic Eight Ball'. We shook it three times. It told us to 'Ask Again Later'. So we bought one million futures contracts.
SENATOR WHITEHOUSE: Are you telling this committee that the global energy markets grapple with price discovery by shaking a plastic novelty toy?
WITNESS: Absolutely not, Senator. We also use the JPMorgan Chase custom coin. It is a gold-plated quarter. If it lands on the eagle, we project a supply shock. If it lands on the president's face, we blame geopolitical tensions and raise gas prices by eighty cents at the pump. It has a ninety-eight percent accuracy rate in generating executive bonuses.
SENATOR WHITEHOUSE: And what happens if the coin lands on its edge?
WITNESS: That is our 'shrug emoji' scenario. In those cases, our chief investment officer simply posts a GIF of a confused golden retriever on the Bloomberg Terminal. The entire market immediately drops four percent. It is a very delicate ecosystem.
SENATOR WHITEHOUSE: This is madness. You are manipulating the global economy based on vibes.
WITNESS: Vibes are the only stable currency left, Senator. We tried using math once. The math told us that oil should be free because we have too much of it. Do you know what happens to our yachts if oil is free? They do not float. We had to invent a war just to make the spreadsheet make sense again.
