TO: All Federal Cartography Personnel
FROM: Office of Chancellor Friedrich Merz
RE: Visual adjustments following the latest Germany state election results
BERLIN— Please review these urgent instructions regarding the latest Alternative for Germany (AfD) victories. This Germany state election cannot appear on official maps. We must manage public perception immediately. Do not panic. We will simply change how geography works.
The Invisible State Protocol
Effective today, all official government maps will depict the lost regions as vast, watery voids. "We cannot lose a Germany state election if the state itself technically does not exist," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who consulted on the emergency spatial redesign. Cartographers must use a soft, calming blue gradient for these areas.
Do not label these blue areas. If citizens ask about the sudden inland sea, tell them it is a new eco-friendly reservoir. The federal government remains in complete control of all remaining dry land.
Revised Weather Forecasting Guidelines
Our meteorologists must also adapt. Do not display weather patterns over the lost eastern territories. "We are instructing television hosts to physically block those regions with their bodies," said Dieter Vance, Deputy Director of the Federal Bureau of Visual Comfort. "If a weather presenter has small shoulders, they must wear shoulder pads."
We must project strength. Any cartographer who leaks the true boundaries of the Germany state election map will face immediate demotion to the basement archive.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Spatial Optimism
Dictated but not read, as we are currently busy packing our office boxes into unmarked vans.
