WASHINGTON—The following excerpt is from the civil trial of Rockstar Games, following the sudden crash of global internet services. The fallout occurred immediately after the company posted the GTA 6 gameplay reveal on streaming platforms. During cross-examination, executives appeared to admit to federal crimes to achieve game realism.
Q: Mr. Houser, let us discuss this GTA 6 gameplay reveal. Your software allegedly crashed Twitch, Netflix, and several regional power grids. How do you explain this?
A: We did not expect the servers to melt. But we needed maximum bandwidth. We redirected municipal power from three East Coast cities. We needed that juice to render the dynamic trash physics in the gutter.
Q: You redirected municipal power? Is that not a federal offense?
A: It is a necessary sacrifice. The trash must look wet. We also tapped the fiber-optic lines of the Federal Reserve. That is how we achieved zero-latency car theft simulation.
Q: Sir, you are describing multiple felonies. You are under oath.
A: The game is very immersive. To render the mud on the tires, we actually purchased a real swamp. We filled it with real, genetically modified alligators. We paid them in crypto. They do not have tax IDs. Yes, we violated labor laws.
Q: You paid alligators in cryptocurrency to optimize the GTA 6 gameplay reveal?
A: Yes. And we hijacked forty military satellites. We needed real-time cloud data. If the clouds do not match the actual humidity of Miami, the players will riot. The industry demands this. We all do this. Ask the FIFA developers where they get their grass textures. They steal it from real graves.
Q: The court will take a brief recess. The witness is advised to speak with his counsel immediately.