FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
MIAMI—The sudden release of the long-awaited GTA 6 trailer has triggered widespread economic concern. Analysts warn that global human productivity will plummet to absolute zero upon the game's release. Major corporations are already drafting preemptive bankruptcy filings. Human resources departments are preparing for a historic wave of sudden, unexplained resignations.
The Great Digital Exodus
Experts predict that millions of adults will simply vanish from the workforce to play the game. The sheer graphical fidelity of the fictional state of Leonida has convinced many that real life is no longer worth attending. Government officials are urging citizens to remain calm and maintain basic biological functions when the title launches in late 2025.
"We are looking at a total collapse of the service industry," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Our models show that even a three-second clip of virtual digital water is enough to make a trained brain surgeon abandon an active operating room. The actual game will decimate the global supply chain."
Corporate Despair
Large employers are trying to negotiate preemptive surrender terms with their staff. Some companies are offering dedicated "crime-spree sabbaticals" to keep workers from quitting entirely. However, internal polling suggests these measures will fail. Most workers plan to simulate stealing cars rather than driving their actual cars to work.
"We are thrilled to announce our proactive strategy for this upcoming cultural phenomenon," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "By aligning our corporate synergy with the inevitability of total societal stagnation, we hope to retain at least four percent of our staff. We are currently installing Xbox consoles in the executive restrooms."
About Badum.ai: We are a global leader in providing meaningless press releases for digital products that will eventually disappoint you. Our primary goal is to inflate stock prices before the inevitable launch-day server crash. At press time, local retail workers were already practicing their polite sigh for when the game inevitably sells out.