NEWARK—The highly anticipated Jane Remover Beauty Sleep single has caused an unprecedented public health crisis. Millions of listeners fell into deep, unshakeable slumbers immediately upon the track\'s release. The experimental pop auteur, known for her relentless work ethic, dropped the song early Thursday morning. It immediately halted productivity across the continent.
A Lethal Dose of Dream Pop
The track marks the first official Jane Remover release in months. The artist spent the year releasing music under various aliases like Leroy and Venturing. However, the hypnotic textures of the Jane Remover Beauty Sleep release proved too soothing for the general public. Commuters reportedly pulled over on major highways to curl up in their backseats.
"We did not anticipate this level of auditory sedation," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify\'s Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "Our algorithms flagged the track for high energy. Instead, it acts like a digital dart gun. We are advising users to only stream the Jane Remover Beauty Sleep track while wearing a loud kitchen timer."
The Sleep Science Behind the Beat
Neurologists rushed to study the frequency of the new single. They discovered that the song\'s bassline perfectly mimics the brainwaves of a hibernating grizzly bear. This sonic frequency instantly overrides caffeine. It forces even the most stressed office workers into immediate, heavy snoring.
"I put the song on to fold some laundry," said local resident Sarah Jenkins. "The next thing I knew, it was Friday. My cat was staring at me. My boss had left twelve voicemails. It is a fantastic track, but I cannot afford to lose another fiscal quarter to a hook that good."
At press time, federal authorities were attempting to wake up the members of Stereogum who first reviewed the song, but they remained tucked in under their desks.
