TO: All Active Personnel, Department of Near-East Compromise
FROM: Office of the Chief Facilitator
RE: Behavior guidelines for Kremlin peace envoys
As our team engages in delicate negotiations, we must project absolute harmony. Security sweeps confirmed that the long tables amplify sighs. Therefore, all Kremlin peace envoys will immediately cease any audible breathing that sounds like a lament. We require a unified front of mild, unblinking enthusiasm.
The Non-Threatening Posture Directive
Our primary objective remains visual neutrality. Envoys must sit at a precise 45-degree angle to simulate casual warmth. Do not make sudden movements toward your briefcases. The host country has calibrated the room temperature to induce sleepiness. You must fight this with silent, rhythmic toe-tapping.
"We noticed some representatives slouching during the discussion on border coordinates," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "A slouching diplomat suggests a diplomat who is thinking about the cold. We need our Kremlin peace envoys to look like they just won a regional sales award."
Mandatory Refreshment Etiquette
Do not accept the tea. Do not refuse the tea. The approved protocol is to stare at the tea while nodding in agreement with economic projections. If a host offers a biscuit, you must decline by citing a sudden, highly specific dairy allergy.
"The goal is not to sign a treaty," whispered an aide who requested anonymity. "The goal is to survive the six-hour PowerPoint presentation on tractor production so we can finally go to the duty-free shop at the airport."
