TO: All Cupertino Retail Leads
FROM: Global Merchandising Division
RE: Execution Strategy for Apple's September 9 Event
Team, on September 9, we will once again test the absolute limits of human financial gullibility. This year, we expect our customer base to exhibit unprecedented levels of financial self-sabotage. You must prepare your staff to exploit this vulnerability immediately. Do not refer to the new devices as phones. They are status symbols designed to trigger deep social anxiety.
The Illusion of Innovation
Our primary directive for Apple's September 9 Event remains unchanged. We must convince citizens that their current, perfectly functional pocket computers are now useless trash. The new titanium alloy casing contains exactly 2% more space-grade metal. We have instructed our presenters to whisper this fact. It makes the metal sound much more exclusive.
"The human brain cannot actually process the difference in camera resolution," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "However, the human ego will gladly liquidate a retirement account to possess a slightly glossier camera bump. Apple understands this primitive urge better than anyone."
New Inventory Guidelines
You must hide all existing inventory of older models. If a customer asks for a cheaper option, stare at them in silence. Let the social shame do the heavy lifting. We have priced the new flagship model to match the cost of a used sedan. This is a deliberate strategy to filter out the peasant class from our retail spaces.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Eternal Growth
(Note: Please delete this email immediately. If the public realizes we just added a new button and changed the charging port color again, we will have to actually invent something next year.)
