WASHINGTON—A federal antitrust hearing took an unexpected turn Wednesday as tech executives defended recent hardware markups. Under intense cross-examination, industry leaders admitted that the rising memory costs cited for expensive smart devices actually stem from the exorbitant price of harvesting raw, emotional human memories. The revelation sheds light on why basic e-readers and streaming sticks suddenly cost double. Prosecutors argue that tech conglomerates are artificially inflating memory costs to cover up their failing neural-harvesting operations.
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts v. Amazon Web Hardware Group
Docket No. 84-F-9021 // Cross-Examination of Gordon Flense
Q: Mr. Flense, you serve as the Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before, correct?
A: Yes, that is my official title.
Q: Your firm recently raised prices on all smart devices, blaming a spike in memory costs. Can you explain what kind of memory you are purchasing?
A: The standard kind. Nostalgia. Childhood summers. The smell of fresh pine. We buy these in bulk from aging baby boomers to power the Echo Dot.
Q: You are telling this court that smart speakers run on human thoughts?
A: How else do you think Alexa knows when you are lonely? The hardware requires a constant stream of bittersweet recollections. Lately, the market for warm memories has collapsed. People mostly generate dread now. Dread is cheap, but it ruins the motherboard.
Q: So you pass these memory costs directly onto the consumer?
A: Absolutely. If a user wants to read a digital thriller on a Kindle, we must buy the memory of a real 1998 library visit. That costs a premium. Fortune reports our margins are tight. We simply cannot subsidize the memory of a grandmother's kitchen anymore.
Q: Is it not true that you are simply hoarding these memories in giant silicon vaults to drive up demand?
A: We call that inventory management. If we release too many memories of gentle spring rain into the supply chain, the value of a Fire TV stick plummets. We must maintain the scarcity of joy.
