CUPERTINO, CA—Outgoing tech executive Tim Cook stunned the industry Friday. He officially handed control of the multi-trillion-dollar giant to a literal, shovel-carrying product builder. Cook assured panicked shareholders that the new leader possesses deep experience. This experience apparently involves pouring concrete directly onto the motherboard of the upcoming iPhone 17.
A New Blue-Collar Era
The announcement sent shockwaves through Silicon Valley. It also caused a sharp dip in the stock price of Apple Inc. inside pre-market trading. The new chief executive, John Ternus, arrived at the press conference wearing a high-visibility safety vest and a cracked yellow hard hat. He immediately began measuring the podium with a metal tape measure.
"We wanted a true product builder," Cook said. "John does not understand code. He does not know what a microchip is. However, he can swing a framing hammer with terrifying speed. He promised me he would get the next operating system up to code by Tuesday."
Plumbing the Cloud
Ternus spent his first hour in office inspecting the corporate headquarters. He expressed deep concern over the load-bearing capabilities of the iCloud. Analysts worry this hands-on approach might disrupt the company's delicate hardware ecosystem. Others praise the change.
"I like his vision for the iPad," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "He suggested putting a drywall patch over the front-facing camera. It really solves the privacy issue. He also charged us four hundred dollars just for showing up to the meeting."
At press time, the new product builder had already delayed the release of the Apple Watch Series 11 by six months, citing a sudden shortage of pressure-treated lumber.
