Politics
Pentagon Pete Demands Kid Rock Flyby Investigation Die Quietly
Military officials received direct orders to bury the Kid Rock flyby investigation after an unauthorized low-altitude stunt in Tennessee.
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Technology
Sweden's Startup Boom Driven Entirely By Emotional Support Moose
Leaked documents show Sweden's startup boom is powered by emotional support moose rather than actual software development.
Music
untitled (halo) Debut Album Announced Alongside Corporate Synergy Initiative
The upcoming untitled (halo) debut album combines shoegaze with luxury rap to satisfy global corporate synergy metrics.
Technology
Chinese Botnet Attack Was Just To Reach Level 100 On Candy Crush
A court transcript reveals the Chinese botnet attack on government servers was actually launched to cheat at Candy Crush.
Music
Boy Harsher Track Recalled by Federal Regulators After Causing Acute Melancholy
Federal regulators issue an urgent safety recall for the new Boy Harsher track due to extreme risks of sudden, uncontrollable brooding.
Technology
Xbox Next-Gen Console to Charge Players by the Thought
Microsoft announces a free Xbox next-gen console that bills players directly through their thoughts and dreams.
Music
William Basinski Deposition Reveals Composer Sells Sad Loops To CIA
A shocking court transcript links the new album Passing The Cup Of Sorrows to government psychological operations.
Business
Nvidia Earnings Disappoint After Failing To Spark Spiritual Awakening
Investors panic after Nvidia earnings fail to trigger a global spiritual awakening or cure human mortality, causing Wall Street to weep.
Music
Dolly Parton’s 'Stairway to Heaven' Cover Legally Replaces Original Recording
A legal ruling declares Dolly Parton’s 'Stairway to Heaven' cover the official version, leaving Led Zeppelin in the dust.
Politics
Hackers Penetrate Federal Systems and Steal 40 Million Empty PDF Templates
A state-sponsored hacker group breached US federal agencies to steal 40 million empty PDF templates, ignoring all actual classified data.
Technology
Apple September iPhone Launch Event To Feature Live Sacrifice Of An Android User
Apple's September iPhone launch event will reportedly feature a live blood ritual to fix global supply chain issues.
Music
Charley Crockett Twin Temple Controversy Sparks Federal Recall of Country Music Concerts
Federal regulators issue a recall over the Charley Crockett Twin Temple controversy, citing high risks of aesthetic and theological friction.
Music
Dolly Parton Tributes Clogged by Celebs Demanding Her Butterfly Recipe
Celebrity Dolly Parton tributes descend into chaos as stars demand her secret butterfly pastry recipe.
Science
Spaceport Quiet Period Declared by Florida Launch Officials
Florida officials announce a spaceport quiet period to turn massive rocket launch delays into a wellness retreat.
Music
Dawn Richard chuuuuurch Lawsuit Reveals Secret Church-Tax Loophole
A leaked court transcript reveals how the Dawn Richard chuuuuurch single exploits a massive tax loophole using extra vowels.
Science
SpaceX Louisiana Starbase Recalled After Launching Swamp Monster Into Low Orbit
Regulators issued a recall for the SpaceX Louisiana Starbase after a rocket launch accidentally catapulted a massive swamp monster into low orbit.
Music
5 Facts About the New Sylvan Esso Song That Will Loop Forever
Discover 5 mind-bending facts about the new Sylvan Esso Song that has listeners trapped in a beautiful, infinite indie-pop loop.
Music
Dexter Story Album Promo Strategy Deemed Too High-Concept by Label
Leaked memo shows label executives desperately trying to simplify the new Dexter Story album promo by removing all traces of musical talent.