WASHINGTON—The Senate Armed Services Committee convened Tuesday to investigate military leadership following revelations regarding a 2-day plan for regional stability.
Q: Please state your name and official title for the record.
A: Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before.
Q: Mr. Flense, did the Department of Defense draft a 2-day plan to resolve all ongoing maritime disputes and nuclear negotiations?
A: We did. It was a Monday-Tuesday sprint. We used Trello.
Q: A two-day sprint? For multi-decade geopolitical conflicts?
A: Yes. Day one was titled 'Apologize and Reopen.' Day two was listed as 'Wrap Up and Pizza Party.' We allocated 48 hours because our free trial of Jira was expiring.
Q: Are you telling this committee that the entire defense establishment relies on software trial periods?
A: Senator, every major defense contractor operates this way. Raytheon Technologies builds guided missiles using standard Canva templates. If we pay for premium accounts, the profit margins collapse entirely.
Q: So the rush to implement a 2-day plan was entirely financial?
A: Financial and operational. We also scheduled a global ceasefire to align with our quarterly subscription billing cycle. If peace takes three days, the software auto-renews at $14.99 per seat. Defense spending simply cannot sustain that level of waste.
Q: Mr. Flense, are other foreign powers aware that global diplomacy runs on basic software tiers?
A: Absolutely. The United Nations Security Council shares one basic Zoom login. That is why peace summits strictly cap out at 40 minutes. At press time, Mr. Flense asked if he could leave the witness stand because his parking pass expired in two minutes.
