WASHINGTON, D.C.—The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a national recall today of the new Rubber Band Gun album, titled Bloodwork, due to severe acoustic contamination hazards. Federal inspectors discovered the record contains unauthorized levels of infectious indie pop. The agency issued the emergency order after several listeners reported uncontrollable head-bobbing and foot-tapping. These symptoms occurred within seconds of playing the opening track.
Severe Risk of Catchy Melodies
Government officials traced the contamination to Kevin Basko’s home studio in Philadelphia. The facility hosted several high-risk collaborators. These included siblings Sam and Louise Sullivan and Emily Moales of Star Moles. Investigators believe these artists cross-contaminated the tracks with highly infectious hooks. The resulting product poses a direct threat to public apathy.
"We found traces of organic, retro-tinted pop-rock that exceed federal limits," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "A standard Rubber Band Gun album should remain safely obscure. This new collaborative formulation is simply too charming for public consumption. We cannot allow citizens to enjoy music this much without a prescription."
Affected Units and Remedy
The recall affects all digital streams and physical copies of the Rubber Band Gun album released this week. Consumers must stop listening immediately. They should delete their local cache files. Federal agents advise replacing the audio with low-frequency industrial hums to neutralize the melody.
"My husband listened to the Star Moles feature and immediately smiled," said local resident Brenda Vance. "He has not smiled at a guitar solo since 1998. I knew we had a defective product on our hands."
At press time, federal agents were wearing acoustic hazmat suits to seize the remaining masters of the Rubber Band Gun album before the infectious chorus could spread to college radio stations.
