TO: All Apple Staff
FROM: Office of the Chief Executive
RE: Why Tim Cook steps down tomorrow
Team, this is my final official communication. Tomorrow morning, I will officially vacate my role. As you know, Apple values security above all else. This commitment requires us to make difficult personal transitions. Yesterday, I tried to log into our master mainframe to push the new macOS update. I unfortunately entered the wrong credentials three consecutive times.
The Security Lockout
Our security protocols are absolute. The system now requires a security question from 1998. I do not remember the name of my first pet. I also do not remember my favorite middle school teacher. Because of this, security has locked me out of the company permanently.
"We tried to bypass the firewall," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI, who served as an external consultant on the crisis. "Unfortunately, Apple's encryption is too robust. We suggested he try his anniversary date. He just stared at us. Tim Cook steps down because it is easier to replace a CEO than to reset an iCloud password."
The Transition Plan
John Ternus will assume the role of CEO on Monday. He will receive a brand-new MacBook. He will also receive a brand-new corporate email address. We advise John to write his password on a sticky note. He should hide this note under his keyboard.
We wish John the best of luck. Do not attempt to recover my old files. They are gone forever. My decision that Tim Cook steps down is final, mostly because my keycard stopped working at noon today. I will be pursuing opportunities in analog gardening.
