WASHINGTON— A Senate subcommittee convened yesterday to investigate the sudden, catastrophic drop in global adrenaline levels. The hearing focused on the Andrew W.K. jazz album, "Temptation to Exist." The record features cinematic arrangements instead of his signature party-metal. Experts testified that the album caused millions of aggressive music fans to suddenly drink chamomile tea.
The following is an official excerpt from the Senate Committee on Cultural Quietude:
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Barnaby Quill. I am the Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs.
Q: Mr. Quill, what happened when the Andrew W.K. jazz album dropped?
A: The entire global economy halted. For twenty years, we backed the energy drink industry. That industry relies entirely on Andrew W.K. screaming about partying. Now? He is playing a Fender Rhodes. We saw a 90% drop in drywall punching on the first day.
Q: Are you saying one man controlled the nation\'s rage?
A: It is worse than that, Senator. The entire music industry is a front. We do not sell songs. We sell behavioral modifiers. If the "Party Hard" guy plays a cool jazz solo, the youth will stop buying Monster Energy. They will buy linen pants. The GDP will collapse.
Q: Did other labels know about this dangerous shift to acoustic piano?
A: Yes. Every major label keeps a secret jazz vault. It is their nuclear option. If an artist wants to destroy a corporate sponsor, they release a quiet, meditative record. It is financial terrorism.
Q: Who authorized this release?
A: No one. He bypassed us. He just sat down and played beautifully. It was disgusting.
At press time, the Department of Justice filed an injunction to force the musician to scream at a brick wall for three hours to restore the stock market.
