WASHINGTON—A newly unsealed federal court transcript has exposed the inner workings of the nation's central bank, revealing that the upcoming Fed rate hikes are decided by a secret game of high-stakes darts. The explosive testimony occurred during a closed-door hearing regarding international banking collusion. Legal experts warn that the revelations could permanently damage public trust in global financial institutions like UBS.
MR. COVINGTON: State your name and occupation for the record, please.
THE WITNESS: My name is Marcus Bellweather. I am the Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, but I also serve as an advisor to the Federal Open Market Committee.
MR. COVINGTON: Mr. Bellweather, let us discuss the projected Fed rate hikes. Why did your committee suggest raising interest rates twice in the coming months?
THE WITNESS: We had a very strong jobs report. When people have jobs, they buy things. When they buy things, we must punish them. It is the golden rule of central banking.
MR. COVINGTON: Punish them? Is the goal of these Fed rate hikes not to stabilize the economy?
THE WITNESS: Heavens, no. We just use a giant wheel in the basement of the Eccles Building. It has numbers on it. Sometimes it lands on 5.25. Sometimes it lands on "destroy the housing market." We just go with whatever the wheel says.
MR. COVINGTON: Are you telling this court that the entire global economy rests on a carnival game?
THE WITNESS: It is a very expensive carnival game, counselor. It was built by The Federal Reserve itself. If we did not have the wheel, we would have to listen to economists. Have you ever spoken to an economist? They are incredibly boring.
MR. COVINGTON: I see. And what happens if the inflation data actually goes down?
THE WITNESS: We spin the wheel harder.
