ALPINE, TX—A federal judge halted construction on the Big Bend border wall Tuesday afternoon. The court ruled that local desert wildlife must secure financing for the project first. District Judge Wallace Vance declared that construction cannot proceed until local fauna demonstrate financial liability. The ruling halts all federal activity in the ecologically sensitive Big Bend National Park region.
A Lack of Collateral
The Trump administration originally promised that neighboring nations would fund the structure. However, Judge Vance noted that the immediate neighbors of the Big Bend border wall are mostly roadrunners and javelinas. "The government cannot bypass fiscal responsibility," Vance wrote in his decision. "If the coyotes want a wall, they must co-sign the loan." Critics point out that the local canine population lacks bank accounts.
"We attempted to collect collateral from a pack of wolves," said Marcus Vance, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "They offered us a half-eaten jackrabbit. Our accounting department rejected the offer. We require liquid assets." The ruling has thrown the entire Department of Homeland Security into a bureaucratic panic.
The Wildlife Lobby Responds
Activists praised the sudden legal block on the Big Bend border wall. Many believe the financial requirements will protect the area forever. "Animals simply do not understand the concept of fiat currency," said Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI. "They operate on a barter system of burrs and cacti. This legal hurdle is insurmountable for them."
At press time, construction crews remained idle while government agents attempted to serve a class-action lawsuit to a very confused rattlesnake.
