TO: All Apple Staff
FROM: John Ternus, Chief Executive Officer
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Proper Terminology Regarding the iPhone Duo quagmire
Team, we must align our messaging immediately. Recent press reports suggest our upcoming foldable device faces design delays. Do not use the term iPhone Duo quagmire in any internal Slack channels or external communications. We do not have a quagmire. We have a highly anticipated journey toward a premium dual-screen future. Please refer to Apple Inc. guidelines on positive brand alignment.
The Spatial Crease
"We are noticing a dangerous rise in defeatist language," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before, who currently consults for our hardware division. "Engineers are calling the hinge gap a 'structural void.' It is not a void. It is a dual-hemisphere storage valley. We must stop talking about the iPhone Duo quagmire as if the screen is breaking. The screen is simply expressing two different creative opinions at the same time."
Our marketing partners at Bloomberg still project strong interest in our foldable category. We must match this optimism. Effective immediately, any employee caught using the word 'quagmire' will lose their Apple Park cafe privileges. You will also undergo mandatory training on 'Optimistic Engineering Syntax.'
Moving Forward Together
"Our goal is to redefine how users interact with glass," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "If the device snaps in half during normal use, please instruct customers to celebrate their new twin-phone lifestyle. It is a feature, not a fracture."
Thank you for your dedication to our vision. Let us work hard to ensure we sell millions of these beautiful, crease-heavy devices. We must clear this inventory quickly so I can quietly resign and exercise my stock options before the consumer lawsuits begin. Sincerely, John.
